This may not make sense

I've turned into something I hoped i'd never be .
And although it's been happening for a while it's took me till yesterday to realize it .
And now I don't think I can go back .
And I don't think I want to go back either
It's painful and it hurts and it means I cry more. {If that's possible}
But it's also nice it's that one part of me where I can get away from everything and it's only about twice a week that I get to feel truly free and happy and like i'm special .
Like i'm the only one that matters and no-one can take that away from me .
But when it ends it just hurts more cause ppl can take that feeling away from me .
They don't mean to and they can't help it that's just the way life is . It feels really crappy when you realize your not special and that's why i hoped I wouldn't end up like this cause I've watched other ppl fall for this and i watch ppl every day who are the same but would never no it cause they don't watch themselves and they will never really know that they have changed .
I really don't like this feeling cause I know it's wrong and most of the time I feel really down .
But it's the nice feeling that I don't want to let go of cause I haven't felt that way for ages .

Well thats the end of my whine . lol
Hve a good day ppl